The 7 Wonders of the… Coffee

Coffee boosts your brainpower.

You probably think you know how this works, or you might not believe that statement at all. I’m here to tell you that is is, in fact, true. This is more about thinking about coffee. When coffee boosts your brainpower, it’s when just the mere thought of coffee is what keeps you going. The thought that there might be a hot, rich, dark cup of joe (sounds like a man, eh?) waiting for you when you finally drag yourself out of bed is what gives you the strength to get out of bed. Or the thought that if you quickly finish this assignment, you can escape to the break room and pour yourself a cup. Or as soon as you finish your homework, you’ll reward yourself with a quick trip to Tim’s. (I don’t even like Tim’s but I felt like it’s what I had to say at some point in a coffee post to keep readers’ attention.) See now what I mean by brainpower? Coffee boosts it.

Coffee increases blood pressure.

You know the feeling when you smell the coffee brewing, knowing that in just half a minute you’ll get a first sip and that first sip is the one that you can literally feel flowing down your tube and into your soul and flooding every nook in your body? That’s when your blood pressure increases – with anticipation. I imagine it’s the equivalent of when a surgeon has his prepped patient lying before him on the table, bright lights overhead on, holding his scalpel in his white-gloved hand, anticipating that first slice into the patients skin and flesh to see what he’ll find underneath… I imagine a surgeon’s blood pressure is slightly elevated at that point. (I don’t know if it’s appropriate to compare coffee and surgeries.)

Coffee strengthens your immune system.

Strong immune systems are important. They help you tolerate people that you don’t like very much. With one cup of coffee, you’ll be able to at least politely nod at your coworker’s feeble attempt at a joke. Without coffee, all you can do is scowl when they say something that they thought was hilarious but in reality is just dumb. With lots of coffee in your system, you’ll be able to stand (or withstand) kids, bosses, teachers, stupid drivers, traffic in general, lines, and all other obnoxious daily encounters.

Coffee relieves a headache.

You know how doctors tell you to drink plenty of fluids when you’re sick? Well. Headaches=sick. Coffee=fluids. You’re welcome. You can now stop denying you drank the whole pot by yourself. (If someone yells at you for not saving them any just confront them with the sick-needing-fluids pretext.)

Coffee reduces stress.

Yes, it does. However, it’s important to note that the caffeine properties found in soda beverages, tea, and chocolate doesn’t count. At least not like actual, fresh brewed coffee does.

Coffee improves your memory.

This is so true. I have first hand experience. Why else would I remember the embarrassing moments that happened to me in sixth grade so clearly? It must be all the coffee I’ve consumed, for sure.

Coffee helps you lose weight.

This is, in contemplation, just a polite version of the phrase coffee makes me poop. Because it does, and in the process, you lose weight, right?

Oy vey ist mir. The time to take action and stand up for the health of your body is now. Go sip on a hot cuppa coffee. Or iced, whatever floats your boat. There’s a couple things to consider though. By coffee I mean freshly brewed, obviously. If you’re a real coffee geek you might even have a strong preference of brewing methods. That’s okay. I don’t care that much whether you use the pour over method, French press, AeroPress, espresso machine, plain old filter method or anything else. The important thing is that it’s not instant coffee. Instant coffee contains fewer nutrients and more chemical additives. However, it is completely okay – even encouraged – to keep a jar of instant coffee around to use in recipes and stuff.

I’ve heard that Voltaire drank up to 50 cups a day. He lived till age 83. If you plan to live till age 90 you might have to up your daily coffee intake to say, 53 cups. Or does it work the other way around that you’d have to cut back? I’m confused. Whatever. It’s not a contest. Voltaire’s long dead. (I think. Not that sure at the moment who that is or when he lived or what he did. I think he wrote things. Or painted. Could be anything.)

2.25 billion cups of coffee are consumed daily worldwide. Coffee is the number one beverage worldwide. I thought it would be alcohol that was number 1 but sure, coffee is fine.

If you’re wondering where I got those 7 coffee facts above from, I got them from this video. You should probably watch it so you know that this post was highly sarcastic, in case that little detail has slipped by you.

In conclusion: A quick search on the interwebs revealed that Voltaire is, indeed, dead. And he did, in fact, write things. See? I was right. Rarely have men in the past become famous for anything other that writing or painting. And to be more specific, he was a philosopher. It said he was famous for his wit and his satire. Probably thanks to his 1,514,750 cups of coffee during his lifetime. (Rough calculations.)

Somehow I get a strange sense of connection to Voltaire.

And I bet he had a toilet right beside his desk.

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